Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.