Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Social Media and Real life
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN