The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
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[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
August 8
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
he looks great for his age
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.