ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You Might Also Like
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t