[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
You Might Also Like
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
bought wrong eggs
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
The cashier just checked me out.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
never forget
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great