*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
This kid is a star!
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.