My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.