It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….