“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Effort made
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.