Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?