[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I am laughing way too hard at this.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.