Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
They’re the worst 😩
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I feel this so hard
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.