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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever