The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
This probably isn’t good
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.