When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne