BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
incredible
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
what
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.