Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.