Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Good point.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.