STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
You Might Also Like
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My whole life was a lie.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol