[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Time for evil
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red