Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
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[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
#polloftheday
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Good morning, Twitter x
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.