I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)