me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Yep.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”