Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.