Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.