My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.