Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas