Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
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A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online