[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.