If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Based Erika
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.