Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
i hate you platonically
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*