Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Oops
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.