Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Perfect
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber