If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another