English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?