OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that