COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You Might Also Like
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!