the dark web is just a goth google.
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[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.