[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I missed you with all my darts
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager