Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Every work meeting this week
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.