Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
You Might Also Like
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.