About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island