Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Me checking my bank balance online.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh