I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
So creative 😂
When you’re Kinky but poor
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING