Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Sorry not sorry.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives