My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash