My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE