*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.