[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…