Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.